Love is in the air: authors, picnics and family

            In 8 hours my mum and sister arrive in Hong Kong. Something, everyone I know in this city knows about as I haven't shut up about it over the last....hmmmmmmmm 8 MONTHS. I have counted the months, weeks, days, and hours till I see my beloved mum and my dearest sister.

I have been trying to track what I have been up to over the past few weeks since I last had the chance to sit down and write. This city is a roller-coaster of astronomical proportions.

              Summer came. It was 30 degrees in Hong Kong this week. You conveniently forget about the heat over the short few months that the locals call 'winter'. It is clear that the weather is an aspect of life that does alter your mood. I used to struggle with the weather in the UK. Blaming it on my misery. I knew I was happy in the sun, but I just felt I waited forever for the sun to come out. Someone said to me the other day 'it's amazing how many people put up with the hard life, when there is better out there'. Turns out, I still feel miserable when I look up to grey skies and happy when I feel the sun. There are just a lot more blues skies in Hong Kong than there are in England.Saying that, we are all dreading the impending humidity that has started to creep in. There is blue skies and sun, and then there is oven hot heat. Oven hot heat for months and months. I don't care about what anyone says, the weather DOES effect you. If it is pouring with rain for days on end in the UK, you feel cooped up in your home, unable to go outside. It is the same with 40 degree heat, you stay indoors, hugging the air conditioner and debating how you will get from one place to the next with the least amount of exposure. It's just different. I prefer my trade in, I can head to the beach in the peak of summer and jump in the sea. 40 degree heat from the sea is more than bearable, in fact, BRING ON SUMMER.

                I have been out and about. I won tickets to the Man Asian Literary Prize, book reading evening at the University of Hong Kong. Naturally I called on my best friend Matt to join me. It was nice to give back something, after endless invites from him to exclusive opening evenings. It was a Time Out magazine competition that I entered. It was brilliant. An inspirational evening. There were 6 authors who had been short listed for the world renowned literary prize. It was the Asian take on the Man booker Prize. My colleague and new writer friend, Paolo who also introduced me to the Hong Kong Writers Circle joined.
There were two authors that stood out, Jeet Thayil, an Indian (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeet_Thayil
), and Tan Twan Eng (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tan_Twan_Eng) an author born in Penang. Each author read an extract from their latest novels and we sat and listened, inspired. After, there was an opportunity to meet with the writers and have books signed.

           The weekend that followed was gloriously sunny. Paul and I headed to the Peak, and a new place for me. Just up from the touristy hot spot there is the most beautiful English looking garden. Grass, and lushious trees, families picnicing and enjoying the fresh air form all the way up there, above the city. We sat in the sunshine and indulged in cheese, sliced meats and wine.

          I left Paul in the sun. It is so nice to have my friend back in town. I cant wait to visit Paul in Singapore next month. I made my way to Matt's, in Prince Edward, my new home from the 6th April. I wonder how long it will be until I stop thinking of it as Matt's and start thinking of it as mine? We went and met with the landlord, negotiated a good price and I signed. Months and months of anxiety disappeared in a second. I was committing to staying in Hong Kong for at least another year. Lots of new lessons for me to learn about responsibility. We headed to a friends Zine night. A Zine is like a comic mixed with a magazine, but without all the ads, and rubbish that is in most magazines. It is where creatives share their experiences, drawings, stories and thoughts.

           Sunday I went to church. They did a wonderful enactment of the story of the son who leaves home, to a distant land, everything goes wrong for him, and he returns home to a father, he believes will reject him, but who, in fact welcomes him back with open arms, no love lost. Luke 15: 11-32.  It made me think about my own life decisions. It made me think about forgiveness and how building a relationship with God  is like building a relationship with the father I never had. It is about trust. Undeniable belief that you are unconditionally loved. That you have to live your life, and those who care and love you will love you no matter what happens. The brother incidentally was the one who felt lost. He had stayed and believed he was being loyal to his father. He hurt when the son who had left returned. I thought about intimacy. Loving without rules.

             The season of roof top BBQ's, boats, beaches, sea, books, sunshine and heat has begun. I am starting a new chapter in Hong Kong. Today though is about my family. Today and the next two weeks is about love.

At 4:30pm the two greatest loves in my life land in Hong Kong International Airport. And I will be there, arms wide open.......tears streaming down my face, to embrace and welcome my family into new home.

The 6 authors short listed 

Jeet Thayil

Something in the Air

Hong Kong continues to have surprises around every corner. I have been hard at work, completing my first Asia event last week. A two day conference in a 5* hotel, the Island Shangri-La with over 300 lawyers in tail. It was exhausting and took every last ounce of energy I had left. I spent the weekend recovering.

Although, I did fit in a theatre trip to see 'Freud's Last Session' a play about Freud and C.S Lewis, where they have a heated discussion about religion and psychology. A very interesting debate. The one thing that stood out to me was the character Freud, was the only one that raised his voice, quite aggressively at times. C.S Lewis, had a strength, a belief, a contented persona or acceptance.  

On Sunday I went to church and felt a huge release after what felt like weeks of pent up anxiety. I feel I have turned a corner with my health and my body appears to be back to normal after the humongous $7100 medical bill.

I'm off to the theatre again this evening. A play about manic depression called 'The Accidental Death of an Anarchist' at the Fringe Club.

I've had training all week, with my manger flying over specially to help me progress in my role as events producer. She sadly dropped in at the start 'we were thinking of flying you to London'. This would have been perfect with my sister's birthday this week, mothers day on Sunday and my beautiful grandparents celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. I would have loved more than anything to be at both. I miss my mum, sister and my Gran cuddle catch ups.

I have been keeping busy writing, running and organising logistics to move to a new apartment in early April. I will be taking the step to live on my own on the 7th April. I shall be moving off the island and onto Kowloon side for the next year, minimum. The next big chapter for me on my journey. Making a home in Hong Kong. I am excited and nervous, just the right amount of both, as to be expected with change on the horizon. The weather is starting to improve daily, and it's almost time for the beach. I am looking forward to reading books on the beach, swimming in the sea, roof top BBQ's and after work gatherings.

I think wearing sunglasses on the way to work is one of my favourite things. It's beautiful in Hong Kong this morning. Last night was brilliant. Some nights just tick all the boxes, last Thursday night was the opposite. However, last night was fantastic.

I met Matt after work in Sheung Wan. We walked into Central ready for the theatre. We came across an art gallery opening, something one stumbles across regularly in this town. We decided there and then we should definitely be there, so maid a B line to the front door, which was being guarded by not one, but THREE list bitches. (List bitch is the phrase to describe the women who stand on the doors of exclusive venues, deciding who deserves to enter, and who doesn't, usually clutching a list of names, the guest list)

Matt and I weren't phased. We only had fifteen minutes until the play started. We used this to persuade them we belonged at this art gallery opening. We also threw in a complicated name as the person who was 'meant' to add us to the list. The list bitch eyed us up from head to toe, I was wearing my Uggs, she didn't look impressed. But then more people arrived and we were holding up the suits, so she shuffled us in and towards the trays of champagne! The Hong Kong hustle continues.
It was an amazing collection of art. Very important looking people filled each floor, there were four floors.

You can see here: http://www.operagallery.com/ang/asia/hong-kong.html

After too many glasses of champagne, too quickly we made our way to the Fringe Club, the venue of our next artsy outing 'The Accidental Death of an Anarchist'.

The play was great. Reminded me of the buzz I used to get from being on stage. It's so real. The play was fast paced, and at times almost hard to watch. A very clever play with the story based around a central character with manic depression, although there was more mania than anything else. I wanted to go and see this play, as I have been researching and reading about manic depression recently. I will write about it in my blog 'Manic in the City'

Another busy but wonderful week in Hong kong

More new lessons and another new beginning

"We seek out environments that reinforce our personal choices" Oi Tillett Wright

Equal rights. Equality.

We are all born equal. Treat every person as you treat yourself.

This is a theme that has been coming up regularly. Anything I read about religion, faith, spirituality, documentaries I watch, and my thoughts. The same basis: treat others how you wish to be treated; Empathy.

'Empathy is the ability to recognise the emotions of another'. I feel I treat people the way I want to be treated, but I struggle to treat and reward myself. I have recently recognised that I punish myself more than I reward myself. Forgiveness is also a running theme through religion, spirituality and faith. Part of the reason I have been ill recently is the result of continual punishment for not living up to my own very high expectation. Shakespeare famously said "expectation is the root of all heartache"

I have learned to be more gentle with myself. How can I ever live up to my own expectation if I continue to punish every small mistake I make. Even then, it's only a perception of what failure is and mistakes are. You can't move forward if you aren't prepared to make mistakes. Being trapped in a cycle of punishment and avoiding any mistakes leaves someone drained.

When being so hard on yourself, it is easy to find blame, excuses and find yourself in a place you don't want to be in. How is it, that after 26 years I still struggle to congratulate myself on the things I have achieved. I set my goals high, and when things don't appear to be going exactly the way I had thought they would, I punish myself. But who is judging? I am. I am judging myself against my own perception of what I could be. I judge myself because I believe others are judging me. This isn't a healthy way to live.

Equally. I have only pushed forward, kept climbing each mountain because I have determination. I am driven to be something. I still haven't figured out what that something is, but I have faith. I keep going because there is, and always has been something in me that seeks more. From small seeds, big trees do grow. You sometimes have to take the first step to begin a new journey.

"Comparison is the thief of joy". I seek inspiration but find it hard to separate inspiration from comparison. Judging myself harshly on the things I haven't achieved, and then punishing myself after deciding I have underachieved. The image of what I could be haunts me. But this is pure speculation.

I am me today. Right now. This very moment is who I am. Each moment I try and be someone else, takes me away from who I really am. I have been reading about philosophers: 'I think, therefore I AM' and the story of the men who live chained up in caves, that can only see shadows.

If you wrote a list of all the things you wish you were, could achieve and be. What is it that is really stopping you?
We make choices in life to fulfil some idea that we can be more than we are today. How far do we go to find what we are looking for? Or do we at some point realise that we already have everything we are looking for, which then stops us from seeking anything else? Acceptance.

We continue to learn, we continue to strive, we continue to grow and we continue to develop. That is what life is all about. Without the questions, there is no promise of answers.
We doubt our decisions when someone else offers their opinion. If that opinion doesn't match your own, we judge our own decisions based on someone else's opinion. Empathy. To recognise someone's emotion. To recognise.

We have the choice to accept that others have opinions, and whether we act or dismiss that opinion. But do we? We are all guilty of taking one negative comment as truth, and compliments as a misunderstanding. I have struggled all my life to be loved. Not because it has never been offered, but because I have a deep belief that I do not deserve to be loved.

When someone shows me love, and I feel it, I run and disconnect. The thought that someone else could see something I couldn't, literally makes me crumble.

When my mum told me about when she found God. It made me think. Believing with all you heart and soul that there is plan for you, that God has a plan, and you are unconditionally loved, for all your mistakes, flaws and self-doubt. For everything you are, you are loved. How beautiful.

Is it possible I feel I've been so let down so many times that I now have built a brick wall so high, that not even I can see over the top of it? Or is it that I have been unable to accept the past, therefore carry the burdens throughout my life. Feeling 'let down' is one side of the picture. On the other side, accepting that people make mistakes, just as much as I do; and forgiving.

I am not alone. I never have been. I never will be. I meet people everyday that I see myself in. My strength is the ability to strive to improve myself. The eternal optimist and seeker of love.

You deserve the world. So live it. Love every moment as if it were your last. Love each moment so much that you can't possibly be scared of the future. Make better decisions than you made yesterday, try new things, embrace the endless waves of transformation. Knowing yourself is an endless journey, accepting your past, and being gentle and non judgemental with yourself is an ongoing everyday practice. I'm beginning to recognise negative patterns in my life, and understanding how I can build on my strengths and support myself when I start to fall into a damaging punishment cycle. I'm learning to take responsibility for my actions today and the impact this very second has on my future. People come and go. Hearts get broken. You fear change and you learn how to survive. You keep going through faith. You keep smiling because you believe. You find your voice

"To lose balance for love, is part of living a balance in life"

I was told on Sunday "you are never alone" and I truly believe that. In one month I make a new step on the journey. I am moving to my own apartment. I have decided that I would like to have more space. I have decided that building a home while I am in Hong Kong, somewhere to call my own, is an important stage for me.

On the 7th April I will move to Prince Edward and off the island. I will have space to write, work out, cook, relax and unwind. Hong Kong is without a doubt a fast city. To have somewhere to escape to is my next Hong Kong chapter.

To explore a new part of town. Experience new things. See the magic in learning new lessons. Have people to stay. Welcome people into my home.

I will have to make changes to adjust to my new surroundings. I will no longer be able to nip home for lunch. I will be commuting for half an hour each way, to and from work but this will mean finding new routes, I can write, read and learn new ways of doing things. I am mostly excited for my new adventure

Health in the city

I had a medical bill for $7100. I laughed when I saw it. That's more than a months rent. Being British, I've never had to pay for my health. If something was wrong, you go to the doctors and say 'yes' to anything he/she suggests. After all, they know best, right? For some reason, I said yes to everything suggested to me. Why not? If the professional in front of me was suggesting it, I should believe them, right? In any case, I had health insurance. Again, insurance is one of my pet hates in life. I'm happy to take responsibility for my actions, but I don't want to live in an 'if' society.
My health insurance, which is supplied by my work, covers a fraction of this. Not even half. This made me think.
Firstly, I suddenly had a value on health. Make healthy decisions now, or pay, literally, the consequences later.

"If you don't make time for your health now, make time to be ill later"

How much do you value your health?

Secondly, this is the undeniable proof that the choices I have been making do have consequences.
I have found a wonderful health practitioner that I trust and believe knows what is right for me. I spent months researching to find one that is suitable for all my needs.

We spent nearly two hours talking about my health, my struggles and how to make positive changes.
I have had some worrying health concerns for almost a year and it had come to the point that I needed to ask a professional, instead of trying to self diagnose (with some input from my mum) After all, I have learned this much, I can't know the answer to everything and there are professionals that understand areas you are not so sure of yourself. It is about trust. Trusting that someone else can help you.

She was brilliant. I instantly felt a weight lift as I left and three weeks on, my health has improved dramatically. Despite the excessively large medical bill, I feel it was worth it. You can't put a price on health and happiness, but I now know the consequences of making bad decisions repeatedly.

Sometimes you have to put your hands up and say 'I don't know'. This isn't always admitting failure, but more about asking for help. 'If you don't ask, you don't get'. We are all told this when we are young. I have been trying to take on the world single handedly for too long, and I now know the advantages of not always trying to 'go it alone'.

I sat with a friend talking about the defences we put up for protection. Maybe we try and protect ourselves too much and miss out the wonder that is vulnerability. Amazing things have happened when I have opened my heart and allowed for the unexpected to have an effect. Hong Kong is living proof of this. I've made some life changing decisions during my most vulnerable hours. This could be why I am learning to accept the harder times in my life more and more. I now understand the important lessons that can be learned during these times.

Trusting others is something that we al struggle with. Believing someone else might know best; more than you know is hard sometimes. But when the moment comes, when you can't find the answers, you might just have to put your hands up in the air, show all vulnerability and let someone else show you the way. I don't feel like I have failed because I've had to turn to someone for help, I feel strength that I was able, and lucky enough to have people that care around me. And in the end, there is always another pay cheque to help you on your way.