I loose track of thought and it becomes just another day, and then I remember again MY FAMILY ARE COMING TODAY. Love is in the air, and just about to land. The only reason to ever say goodbye is for the moment you get to say hello again. I can't breathe. Hello is minutes away.
I'm filled with nerves, or is it excitement, I don't know anymore. I've come a long way to feel this again.
This is what love is. You don't say it, you feel it. A rush of blood to the head straight from the heart.
I'm fighting back tears, half an hour before they even land. I give in. The next few hours of my life are going to be a dream. More than a dream. Because it is real.
What is it about asking a complete stranger a question and just believing the answer. And yet we question our close friends and even ourselves I thought as I asked the man siting next to me which exit to leave the train. I would do this journey to the airport five times over the next two weeks.
My hands are shaking. I didn't think I'd feel this way.
When that arrivals board reads 'landed' my heart is going to stop.
Looking left, right, left, right. Chanting 'please come out of B' on repeat for half an hour. Thousands of people arriving before my eyes. Everyone resembles the two people I long to see. How hard it must be for the locals I think. My eyes flicker, left, right, left, right.
And there they were. On the screen and then in front of my very eyes. My loves. My family. I crept around the corner and tears streamed down my face. I hugged my sister, my heart beating fast against hers. Then my mum, my tears falling. They were here. In my arms.
We jumped on the airport express and caught a taxi to our apartment in Sheung Wan. We dropped our bags. I was exhausted from the emotions of seeing my family arrive which I had waited so long to see. We made our way down to the tram to take in Hong Kong. It was a busy night, rugby 7's is one of the biggest, if not the biggest events in the city. The tram repeatedly got stuck in traffic. I tried to explain that it wasn't normally this busy as I was anxious to show them the city in its best light. Everything seemed to be against me. Was I hoping for perfection that wasn't possible to show? We went from Sheung Wan to Happy Valley and back to Wan Chai. Crystal Jade's was one of my favourites to take people, but this even wasn't going to perform tonight. We had to queue, I'd never queued for Crystal Jade before. Why now? When all I wanted was for a prefect first night was everything going against me. They weren't impressed with the food and I felt disheartened. I took them up to Wooloomooloo and the moist air and low cloud made the view unimpressive. Another blow. Was Hong Kong going to defeat me at the last hurdle? I had fallen in love with this city and now, when I wanted it to be perfect it was against me.
In the morning we made our way to Lantau. The big Buddha, cable car, the beach and Mui Wo. The weather wasn't hopeful. I hadn't planned to take them to the big Buddha as I felt it was just a tourist destination without much soul. I needed a wow factor to make up for the disappointment of their first night. From the big Buddha we caught a bus down to Mui Wo. Stopping at The Steop for some lunch. The sun came out but it still didn't seem like the magical place I had discovered months before. Was I trying too hard or was my expectation too high! We sat on the beach and rested after lunch in the sunshine. From the Steop we caught the bus down to Mui Wo, one of my favourite places in Hong Kong. We had some food at the Turkish restaurant and things seemed to be looking up. Ruth and I banqueted on a fresh lamb kebab, thick Greek yogurt and honey with freshly baked Turkish bread. No wonder this was a favourite, if not a little indulgent after lunch at the Steop. With all these amazing places to eat and show guests, I was already full to the brim.
From Mui Wo we caught the ferry back to Hong Kong. One of the most beautiful journeys there is back to the city via Victoria Harbour with full view of the city lights. This night however, the cloud blocked the view but mum and Ruth still seemed to enjoy the journey. Tired and a little cold we hailed a taxi back to our apartment.
On Sunday morning I was keen to show my mum and sister the church I had been attending since arriving in Hong Kong. St Stephens Society was a unique place of worship and I felt peace here. We sat with my church family and sang along in English and Cantonese. I was so proud to have my family here with me.
From church we headed to Prince Edward for a day of markets. We left the MTR at exit B2, the location of my new apartment. I wanted to show mum and Ruth the traditional dim sum that was so popular in the city with locals. They didn't like the food. The Bird and Basket was one of my favourite places and I felt again disheartened that I had misjudged what my mum and sister liked. From the little local restaurant we made our way through the flower market, bird market, Fa Yeung Street where I would soon be living and the goldfish market.
We walked down Nathan road to the ladies market. The streets were packed with shoppers. Mong Kok is a busy, bustling part of Hong Kong. Even I didn't remember it being this crowded. A lady came up to me and suggested a foot massage. Perfect. We followed her to the spa and sat and enjoyed a vigorous massage. I love it, but Ruth and mum felt it was too painful to enjoy. Was I getting this all wrong? Too hard, to painful, to uncomfortable to enjoy. We found somewhere to sit and eat ice cream and drink coffee while looking onto the busiest street in Hong Kong. I felt distant and unsure of how I had predicted the trip so wrong.
After a sugar hit we walked to the ladies market. Shopping was something I had, over time become less comfortable with. I was happy that my sister finally seemed to be enjoying herself. She bought many souvenirs and a smile finally appeared. From the ladies market to the Night Temple Streets. We sat and ate some food which seemed to go down well. All this food was making me feel ill but I didn't want to suggest anything that might make the trip seem not enjoyable.
On Monday we had a lie in. I was more than aware that this was their holiday and packing each day with excursions was worrying me. I so wanted to show off the city in the limited time I had. We relaxed until lunchtime and made our way to Lamma island, my all time favourite place in Hong Kong. The weather was against me and the island seemed derelict. Mostly closed up in the bad weather. I became frustrated that I seemed to be telling them how amazing it usually is, which only added pressure on me that I couldn't show them how amazing it normally was. We walked over the island to the adjacent village, Sok Kwu Wan and sat and had seafood at the Rainbow cafe. It was cold and miserable. The boat journey home, which normally was one of the most amazing and breathtaking experiences was spent indoors, freezing and cold. This was the night to watch the light show, which was almost impossible to see due to the low hanging clouds. I loved the light show and danced and sang along with the music. Why, when all I wanted was for my family to see this amazing city at night was the weather so bad? I didn't want to, but all I felt was there was something against me, I couldn't help it. I was acting like nothing had changed, I was still the lost sister, daughter and moving away hadn't changed a thing about me. I wanted to show them how much I had changed, grown up, discovered, but all I was representing was exactly what I didn't want them to see. A lost girl in a big city far away from home. I felt guilty that I had left and not discovered happiness. It was so evident. I couldn't hide it and all I wanted to do was hide. I had limited time and I felt so much pressure. I thought this would be an amazing thing to have my family in my new home, but it was hard work. So many emotions, ones I hadn't felt for months.
Tuesday didn't look much better. The weather was awful and Hong Kong is such an outdoors place. You only realise how much of the sights of Hong Kong rely on being outside, when all the outdoors activities are jaded by the weather. I wanted to take them to the Hong Kong Museum of History. I took them to Wan Chai to my little apartment so they could see where I had been living for the past six months. It was a grey drizzly day. Paul suggested meeting for lunch. I was keen for Paul to meet my family after he had been such a positive part of my Hong Kong journey. We met at Charlie's and he made me feel more confident again, as he always does. We jumped on the Star Ferry after lunch to TST, where we could make our way to the museum. The timings all seemed to be out and the taxis didn't seem to know where to go. This city had always felt so easy to get araounf and suddenly it felt so hard. We arrived at the museum. It was closed. I couldn't believe it as I began to cry. I had dreamed of my family arriving for eight months and it was all falling apart. It was cool, miserable, my mum and sister were tired and we were now a long way from our apartment. It was rush hour and I didn't want to put my family through Hong Kong rush hour after the day we had had. They were trying to make me feel better about the situation but it only made me feel more hopeless. From TST I took them to Hong Kong park and St Johns cathedral. The park is a beautiful and tranquil place and I started to feel better here among the peace and nature. We had walked half of Hong Kong. We were tired and I was more than fed up. We had some dinner at Pissano's and walked home via the famous escalators.
On Wednesday morning we tried again. I had never been to Ocean Park and I was excited to visit a new place in Hong Kong that I had never been to before. Ruth was dying to see some pandas and Ocean Park had giant pandas. We jumped in a taxi to the park and within minutes of arriving I knew today was going to be good. The pandas were lovely and Ruth's joy at the animals made me finally feel that she was enjoying her time. We joined the cable car queue. An attraction I had seen from the road to Stanley so many times. The cable car at Ocean Park wrapped around the coast line and was more surprising and beautiful than I had imagined. From Ocean park we jumped in a taxi to Wan Chai to get on the MTR to TST to go to the museum which had been closed the previous day. Everything seemed to be finally coming together. The majority of my time in Hong Kong I had a feeling that things were just going my way, things had just happened at the right time for me, this week just seemed to be against me. Finally things were working out, but it was the last day. Why things couldn't have just worked at the start I do not know. Maybe it was a test for me, that I felt I had failed. The museum was just as good as I had remembered. I hadn't visited the museum since my first trip to Hong Kong almost a year before. My mum read everything and my sister seemed to be enjoying learning all about the history of the city. I was also reminded that Hong Kong is a truly amazing place to find myself. It was a clear night and the last opportunity to head the The Peak. I was concerned that Ruth might not be able to see this amazing view before she had to head back to England. We were in luck. We caught a taxi up to the world famous sight. Clearly when visitors are in town, taxis are the only way to get about for people who aren't familiar with the public transport of an unfamiliar city. Living in a city you become familiar with getting around, for visitors it seems like a never ending and exhausting journey. It is true, the more often you take a journey, the easy it becomes.
The Peak was just as beautiful as I had ever seen. We enjoyed the view and had dinner at the Peak Lookout, a very nice restaurant at the very top of the city. We ate, drank and talked the night away.
I woke up with my sister beside me for the last time. She would fly back to England and leave my mum and I. We dropped off my mums and my bags at my Wan Chai apartment and we headed for the airport. We sat and had some lunch and I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. I wasn't going to see Ruth again for months, maybe years. She was enjoying a life I only dreamed about. She had a family of her own and I was on the other side of the world, trying to find my way in the world. I had no reason to return. She went through the gates, excited to return to her life in Liss Forest, a world away from where I was. Would I ever find myself heading home?
Mum and I left the airport, just me and her. We went to the ICC, but of course the bar, Ozone was closed until 5pm. What a surprise another part of this city I wanted to show off and it was closed. We still managed to see the view from the Ritz-Carlton on the 103rd floor. We hopped in a taxi to the Peninsula for afternoon tea. We settled into an afternoon of just her and I. We nattered and reconnected.
Was I so scared that it wasn't going to be perfect so it wasn't? Was I disillusioned that they didn't enjoy Hong Kong? Why had I felt that I had failed? Maybe you can care too much. Maybe you can want something so much you forget to live in the moment.
Maybe I feel so ashamed that I am not living my life to the fullest and it was highlighted by the the visit of the two people I love the most?
In hindsight, everything is better. So why is it so hard to remember that in the moment. A friend text
"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends not upon our circumstances but upon our attitude." - Martha Washington. I cried when I received this in the depths of my feeling hopeless. I always tried hard to see the good in everything. I had failed to live up to this while my sister and mum were in Hong Kong. They assured me that they would have been happy to just be with me. That they came to see me. That I shouldn't feel disappointed and that they had enjoyed their time.
I have learnt that things don't always go the way you had intended. That trying too hard takes away the magic. That expectation and predicting ruins the magical moment of the present. I felt all I could do, was from this day on, try and make the most of every day. That living in the world of expectation will ruin all the wonder and beauty of the world. I missed my sister as soon as she left. Eight months of missing her had gone by in a flash. Two worlds, and two lives heading in completely different directions. I had chosen one path and she another. We must make the most of our lives, what ever we choose. The magic isn't in the big, over the top gestures, sights and experiences, it's in the little in between moments, the journey from one place to another. As a whole experience it was a dream come true. Love and happiness are in the journey, and not the destination.
We make life decisions and we must dedicate our heart and soul to them.
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