I heard some very shocking news last night. An old friend of mine from the Alton College days took his life last week and I only just found out.
I spent a considerable amount of time with him and now it means a considerable amount of time in his short 26 years. I feel guilty and very shaken up with the news. I kept waking up last night after dreams with him in. I always thought I would bump into him in London, when we were both in our 40's, go for coffee and laugh about the old days and how silly we all were. I will never get the chance to say how very sorry I was for everything that happened between us. I was much younger back then, and less aware of my actions. This doesn't make it hurt any less.
We have all felt lost at times in the world, even low enough to think the worst at times. One thing that always pulls me out of this is knowing how much love there is in the world for me. My friends and family are always so supportive, and however lost, sad and confused I have been in the past, I have always felt a reason to keep going. I feel desperately sad that my friend didn't feel this. That he felt that lost in the world.
We spent a summer together back in 2003. Every waking hour we spent side by side. We slept side by side and connected on a deep level. We had a big fall out and turned against each other after returning to college. A young lovers tiff.
It was ten years ago but I can still remember every day vividly. The curse of a good memory.
After college we all went our separate ways. Some of the friends I made during my time at Alton college remain some of my closest friends. We have known each other for ten years and they are now my oldest friends. We have supported each other through all the hard times, low times and spent many memorable times together.
I feel guilty for the bad words that went between him and I. I feel bad that I will never get to say how sorry I am for all the nasty things I said and did to him. He often asked me if I was still angry at him, whenever we bumped into each other in the street, pub or supermarket and I never took the opportunity to say sorry. How I wish now I hadn't waited. Believing this fantasy that we would one day meet again and I would be able to say those three words to him. I. Am. Sorry.
People are saying some very comforting things to me. Even I am shocked at how much it has shaken me up. I haven't spoken to him much in the last ten years and still my heart feels empty. We connected on a deep level and this is more apparent than ever today.
I am so lucky to have walked away from that time in my life with good friends and good memories. We left him behind. I am someone who has learned to forgive quickly. I am someone who loves greatly. And yet I never had the opportunity to sit down with him and tell him how much he meant to me. I never had the chance to show him that there is love in the world and every reason to keep fighting. The best is yet to come.
At 26, I still have days where I feel confused and lost in this sometimes surprising world we live in. I have days that I reflect back to my Alton College days and think, did we party too hard? Everything you do, every decision you make has an affect on your life, and sometimes on the lives around you. People keep telling me that suicide is a selfish act. But I can't see that. I feel sad for the lost soul who believed he couldn't carry on. I feel loss that he never felt loved. Never had someone to turn to. Open up to. Throw your hands in the air and say 'help me please'. I would never turn my back on someone who needed me. But I did turn my back on him.
I was 16 and thought I was invincible back then. How invisible I feel right now. We were young and care free. We created drama in our lives as a game and thought nothing of the long term effects. We wound each other up about things, mocked and joked around. I was attention seeking as I tried to work through my own insecurities, never taking into consideration the long term impact of doing this. I thought about myself more then I thought about how my actions were affecting others. I was deeply unsure of myself and used other people to try and make myself feel more settled in the world.
Since then I have become a loving individual and I care deeply for others. I forgive easily and say I'm sorry regularly. I never hold a grudge and feel at one with the world. It has taken years of questioning myself, my beliefs and actions to come to this point. There is one person in this world that I never had the opportunity to say how deeply sorry I am for the bad words and actions between us.
Please say a prayer for my friend today. For him and his family.
He has left the world and I hope he can now rest in peace.
I hope you know that I am thinking of you and I am glad I spent those memorable times with you ten years ago. You have taught me to never let anything go unsaid. I will remember you forever.
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