A touch of class

After a weekend of questions and observations, surrounding the class system of the UK, I have decided that now is definitely not the time for living in the UK for me. If you are happy to conform, then this is the place for you. If you are not happy to just go with the flow, then get out. Get out while you can. I love this country; the history and traditions, however, now is the time to explore what else is out there? Hello............hello............what can I be?

I have a constant desire to know myself better. To find out what makes me tick and discover new things that make my heart come alive.

To feel like you don't belong in a place that is so familiar to you is a strange feeling. Looking around and observing people is something I do constantly. What makes people tick? What makes people do the things they do? I then relate these observations back to my own life. This weekend I watched the Grayson Perry documentary, A Touch of Class. I found this fascinating 

It is so obvious that there is a class system still real and very present in England. It has been said that this is one of the things that defines us as a country. I love this, however, it does leave me with questions about what 'class' I belong, and whether this actually matters.

It’s obvious which class others are in, but I am a social chameleon. I was brought up in a working class family, but attended a top private school. This left me from an early age questioning where I belong. Feeling like you don't 'fit in’ is something that is more common than I thought growing up. When I was young, I just had a sense that I was an outsider, unable to find a comparison. I accepted my surroundings as my life, but didn’t understand why felt different. Now I have the ability to change and make decisions about my social circles. This does leave the question, will there ever be a place I feel I belong completely. It all seems to come back to a common theme, confidence.

What differentiates us is the level of confidence we have about ourselves and the decisions we make. Some people have an overwhelming degree of self-confidence that comes from within. They have the ability to make decisions without weighing up every possibility, they go with the flow, have a deep sense of 'everything will be okay'. Then there are the people who strive for confidence, that consider other peoples opinions and base their decisions on what others may say or think. I can see more and more positives in being selfish, however this isn’t a goal.  

There seems to be a constant battle of accepting and trying to change, holding on and letting go, fight or flight. Where does true confidence in yourself come from and can it be learnt? I am hoping my quest helps me to be more confident, more independent and see the world in a new way. 

I leave for new lands in 4 weeks. I am giving up everything to go on a journey. I do not know where I will end up; I do not know if I will find what I am looking for. I do know that I need to continue working on the relationship with myself. With the parts of me that aren't always easy. To stop looking at others and comparing, but to accept all of me and the wonderful differences and uniqueness. There is a child inside of me that craves for adventure and love. If I listen to my heart the world seems a beautiful and exciting place. If I listen to my heart I feel strong and able. To be connected to the world, all of it, to be connected to yourself, all of it. 

I have 4 weeks until I leave, but the journey has already begun.